Most Epic Alcohol Warehouse Crash EVER…Nobody Quite Sure What Happened

Here’s what we know: This is arguably the most epic fine beverage failure I’ve ever seen, and it took place in Moscow. That’s about it. The epicness of this crash is overwhelming to even the most credible of news organizations, who can’t seem to get their stories right about what actually happened. Damage estimates range from approx. $98,000 to $200,000, The New York Times suggests a conspiracy theory, while the Huffington Post is convinced the forklift driver was drunk, though no other news organization seems to agree with them.

Bottom line, I can tell you that I once crashed the Mutineer Passat into a palate of Red Bull in the Mutineer high-tech storage facility garage and experienced the most intense terror of my human existence. Fine beverages are like piranhas, bank overdraft charges, or nihilists…encountered one at a time they are harmless, but in great numbers they can quickly wreck your world. Take heed people…take heed.

RussiaToday
Value of Fine Beverage Casualties: Over $100,000 USD
Fine Beverage Casualties: Vodka and Cognac
Drunk Driving: No mention
Conspiracy Theory: None

New York Times
Value of Fine Beverage Casualties: $150,000 USD
Fine Beverage Casualties: Vodka
Drunk Driving: No mention
Conspiracy Theory: Suggests that the driver may be an “undercover, anti-vodka agent saboteur” who answers the question “How about planting a series of intelligence operatives in vodka warehouses across the nation with the driving skills of the man featured in this report from the Kremlin-sponsored, English-language satellite channel Russia Today?”

Huffington Post
Value of Fine Beverage Casualties: $150,000 USD
Fine Beverage Casualties: Vodka and Cognac
Drunk Driving: “A fork lift driver in Moscow was sampling too much of his own product when he drunkenly plowed his vehicle into the stock shelves of vodka and cognac in the storeroom where he worked.”
Conspiracy Theory: None

Telegraph UK
Value of Fine Beverage Casualties: 60,000 GBP ($98,500 USD)
Fine Beverage Casualties: Vodka and Cognac
Drunk Driving: No mention
Conspiracy Theory: None

The Sun UK
Value of Fine Beverage Casualties: 105,000 GBP ($172,000 USD)
Fine Beverage Casualties: Vodka and Cognac
Drunk Driving: “It is not known if the driver had been sampling some of the wares before the accident happened.”
Conspiracy Theory: None

College Humor
Value of Fine Beverage Casualties: $200,000 USD
Fine Beverage Casualties: Beer
Drunk Driving: No mention
Conspiracy Theory: None

Now, you may question the inclusion of CollegeHumor as a credible source in this comparison, but which is the more bold assertion: CollegeHumor’s overestimate of damage and type of alcohol, or Huffington Post’s lone assertion that the driver was drunk?

Related Posts

1. Los Angeles Company Provides Ultimate Anti-Drunk Driving Solution…BRILLIANT!
   If you’ve been following the Mutineer blog for some time, you’ll know how much I despise drunk driving. The good news is that “Y Drive...
2. Alcohol Banned at Jets Game Tomorrow For Fear of Fans Ripping Apart Stadium
   Tomorrow’s football game between the Jets and the Bengals will be huge in that a win will send the Jets to the playoffs and it...
3. Michael Schumacher With Cocktails in His Car
   7 Time Formula 1 World Champion Michael Schumacher has teamed up with mixologist Salvatore “The Maestro” Calabrese to show just how difficult it is to...
4. Yes, This Happened: The Coke Zero & Mentos Rocket Car
   True story: when one puts Mentos candies in Diet Coke, an eruption occurs. In 2006, this modern day marvel (and awesome party trick) reached the...
5. Mad Men’s January Jones Epic GQ Drinking Adventure
   GQ might just be my favorite magazine, and when the November issue found its way to me via a maze of forwarding addresses, I was...