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Six Flags Texas Tries to Sell Beer, SoberTexas Forecasts Human Extinction


I came across a story today about beer potentially being approved for sale at Six Flags in Texas. According to Dallas News, “…Six Flags is only selling beer at six restaurants. You can’t walk around the park with it. You can’t buy more than one beer at a time. The park won’t start selling suds before noon and will shut down beer sales two hours before closing.

Sounds great, right? Wrong! Carl Fors, founder and president of Texas Sober, is pissed (angry, not drunk. I think? See study below.) and he apparently has the mayor’s support on the matter.

One must note that we are talking about Texas here, with nearly 50 “dry” counties, which exists to the shoot the environment in the face because everyone that lives in the dry counties must waste gas driving to other counties to buy beer…stupid.

I checked out the Texas Sober website to learn more. The graphics blow well over a .2 on the “do-your-graphics-suck-elizer”, and I can tell you that brilliant Mutineer webmaster Jeff rarely works his magic without an ice-cold can of beer, which is chock full of deadly alcohol, in his hand.

The graphics on the website don’t even really make sense. You have the obligatory smashed up car to scare people straight, a menacing production still from “Walker: Texas Ranger” to, um, scare people straight, and then you have some dude (or very muscular Texan woman) getting blood drawn??? To scare people straight? I dunno.

That’s pretty much the website: three graphics, a rambling paragraph about Texas Sober, and a link “The Alcohol Impact Study Proposal” which says that, “Texas leads the nation in alcohol related traffic deaths and injuries in states reporting more than 1,000 traffic deaths.” My question is whether or not this figure was established before or after George W. was born-again, because this will likely have a big impact on the number.

Upon reading the rest of the study, it is clear that the preparer has an affinity for exclamation points and post-apocalyptic Costner films, as these are both tools in his arsenal.

Things get really crazy in the study with following:

Texas laws demand school children be vaccinated protecting them and other students from deadly or debilitating disease. Government’s have authority to quarantine individuals with communicable disease. Governments legislate laws restricting the use, distribution, and sale of fire arms. Governments warn citizens of approaching deadly weather. Governments mandate the safety of drinking water. Judicial systems remove dangerous offenders from the population, protecting it from violent crime. These governmental actions are preventative: proactive and not reactive. These actions are taken when a known risk exists. Alcohol is a proven, known risk to public safety!

Governments conduct Environmental Impact Studies to determine positive or negative effects on the environment, health, and safety of its citizens. Such studies are conducted before construction of new highways, granting building permits for retail establishments, placement of new recreation areas, hazardous materials corridors, etc. Such studies have stopped construction when animal life on the Endangered Species List was threatened. Humans, citizens, must be added to the Endangered Species List when confronted with the proven threats of the hazardous material… alcohol?

Okay, so did this guy just include human extinction in his “study” on the impact of alcohol? He wants to add humans to the “Endangered Species List”? Really? REALLY!?!?!


  1. Julie | Monday, March 2, 2009

    OK I knew that we as a people were in trouble, but this is taking it too far! I could really use a beer.

  2. Jeff | Tuesday, March 3, 2009

    Beer + Theme Park = EPIC

    I want a theme park that serves up absinthe and shots of whiskey. I need to get a hold of Obsello Abinsthe’s people and have them contact Disney Land about a partnership. This will be awesome!!!

  3. JJ Bagley | Wednesday, March 4, 2009

    Wow, I grew up in Texas and have first hand knowledge of the stupidity of the “dry and wet” counties. Just one more way the government is making our choices for us. Did anyone think that maybe the reason “Texas leads the nation in alcohol related traffic deaths and injuries in states reporting more than 1,000 traffic deaths.” is all the drunks driving from dry counties to wet ones trying to get booze. Think McFly, think.

  4. vickimc | Sunday, March 8, 2009

    I know one thing…I pray none of you who consume too much alcohol run into, run over, molest, abuse, throw up on (after a ride), any of my innocent family or children. You’ll have to live with the wrath of a red head.

  5. Jesse Porter | Tuesday, March 10, 2009

    I don’t think the ability to drink one beer at a time, in a restaurant, and not even until noon, is going to stop me smuggling my flask into my local amusement park.

    Baby steps, I guess. Let me know when they’re giving out free shots outside the Gravitron.

  6. alondra | Tuesday, June 26, 2012

    Ok,six flags is a place to have fun not to get drunk its made for kids and adults that want to have fun we dont want to be seeing peolple thrown on the floor all crazy ourguing u people are just lucky there able to sell atleast 1 beer!!

  7. alondra | Tuesday, June 26, 2012

    Ok, so u peple just have fun enjoy the rides is not a drunk water park with cool rides its a place that should be called F.U.N. for kids..and adults u are lucky they aggred to sell atleast 1 beer u guys in six flags keep it up!!:DD

  8. alondra | Tuesday, June 26, 2012

    I know one thing…i pray none of u who consume to much alchohol run into,inocent people,throw up after a ride any of those inocent people will start disliking that place six flags will end up DEAD instead of a place for fun its a place where people get DRUNK :(

  9. alondra | Tuesday, June 26, 2012

    theres about 1,000 people in deaths and its all because of alchol and it was all a mistake Y.O.L.O
    Which means: you only live once!!

  10. alondra | Tuesday, June 26, 2012

    Ok, so thats all i have to say have a good day :)

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