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Chewbacca, Jack Bauer, and Walker Texas Ranger Join the Mutiny

Beverage News
03.04.2009

Did you see the Mutineer post about the gun that shoots alcohol? The actual gun looks like a cross between a Star Trek phaser and a suppository injector, so Mutineer graphics whiz Jeff created the Mutineer Magazine Special Edition Alcohol Shotgun of the gun. It is this prototype that has now juxtaposed into photographs of the following American patriots: Chewbacca, Jack Bauer, and Chuck Norris. Here is how I imagine these folk heroes would use the Mutineer alcohol gun:

Chewbacca
I’m guessing it takes like 80 beers to get Chewbacca buzzed, so he’ll probably just shoot himself in the mouth until his fur feels all tingly, at which point he’ll go cruising for lady wookies.

Jack Bauer with Alcohol Shotgun

Jack Bauer
I see the next season of 24 being set in Utah and Chloe tipping Jack off to a party at BYU that is without any alcohol. The following conversation takes place between 7:00 P.M. and 8:00 P.M. Events occur in real time.

Jack: I need the Mutineer Magazine Special Edition Alcohol Shotgun to save these partiers!

Chloe: But Jack, the Mutineer Magazine Special Edition Alcohol Shotgun hasn’t been approved for field use.

Jack: Dammit Chloe! WE DON’T HAVE TIME! BY THE TIME THE MUTINEER MAGAZINE SPECIAL EDITION ALCOHOL SHOTGUN IS APPROVED, THE PARTY WILL BE OVER!

Chloe: But Jack, satellite images show the Royal Morman Guard has snipers everywhere, you’ll never make it out alive.

Jack: I’m not coming back Chloe. I’m bringing enough Jack Daniels to last through Spring Semester, by which time I’ll be making my own moonshine ammunition. These people need my help.

Chloe: But Jack!

Jack: Dammit Chloe! I HAVE TO DO THIS. THIS IS NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION.

Yes, that is exactly how it would go down.

Chuck Norris with Alcohol Shotgun

Walker Texas Ranger
We all know how this goes: The fatcat Texas businessman wants to open a chemical plant that will drain into a river that runs through a Native American community. Two brothers will be playing by the river, and the younger brother will fall in and fall into a mysterious coma. The older brother will go to the chemical plant to complain and will get stomped by the local muscle working for the chemical plant. This is where Walker shows up with his Mutineer Magazine Special Edition Alcohol Shotgun, however, he will NOT use the gun. Walker will instead roundhouse every bad guy into a coma of their own, and the gun will be used solely for picking up chicks.



Comments

  1. Chuck P. | Wednesday, March 4, 2009

    Just as long as Jack has a driver after his bout with BYU party goers. We know how he gets.


  2. El Jefe | Wednesday, March 4, 2009

    That’s very cool, but Chuck Norris does not need the Mutineer Magazine Special Edition Alcohol Shotgun. Another roundhouse will send the Jack Daniels in the required direction.

    Of course, the rest of us mere mortals absolutely must have the Mutineer Magazine Special Edition Alcohol Shotgun.


  3. Alan Kropf | Wednesday, March 4, 2009

    Chuck Norris needs a gun that shoots roundhouse kicks = Weapons of Mass Destruction


  4. JJ Bagley | Wednesday, March 4, 2009

    You are all wrong. Chuck doesn’t need anything but the Homegym and Christie Brinkley.


  5. Buffo | Thursday, March 5, 2009

    I seriously just laughed my ass off at the chewbacca blurb. These were very funny! All of them. Nice, Alan!!!!


  6. Stacy Briscoe | Thursday, March 5, 2009

    I Love Aggro Mutineer Chewy…


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