Dear Voltron

Here are some questions that were sent to the Editor-in-Chief of Mutineer Magazine. The editor then forwarded them to Voltron, and here is the results.

Dear Voltron,

What am I supposed to do with the cork when the server gives it to me in a restaurant?

Voltron: I would use the blazing sword to demolish the cork into a million peaces. Corks keep wine in the bottle. That’s it. Smelling it is like smelling your napkin, which to be honest, kind of creeps Voltron out.

Dear Voltron,

What do you think of the really cheap Champagnes at the grocery store, like the $5 bottles.

Voltron: Voltron would rather drink flat Mountain Dew mixed with vodka out of a water bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag. First of all, if you have found $5 Champagne, please tell me where you found it, and I will buy the entire inventory, because it doesn’t exist. People use the word “Champagne” when talking about all kinds of sparkling wine, but Champagne can only come from the Champagne region of France, and is required to meet high quality standards. The super cheap stuff you buy in the grocery store is made similar to soda pop, and is only suitable for inducing headaches. You are better off grabbing a 40oz of some delicious ghetto gold – Olde English. But hey, if you dig it, more power to you, just realize you will never be more powerful than Voltron.

Dear Voltron,

I’m taking a very important client out to dinner this week and I’m nervous about choosing a wine. I’m paying for the dinner out of my own pocket, and don’t want to spend a fortune. Any advice?

Voltron: This is a tough one to answer, because Voltron has never had to try to impress someone, but if I weren’t the most epic superhero in the universe, I would impress the client with my wisdom rather than my wallet. Start off by taking your client to a restaurant with a solid sommelier. Good sommeliers always have “gems” on the list, that is, wines that aren’t well known, but incredibly awesome. Look for wines from Germany, Australia, Austria, Omicron Persei 8, Spain, lesser known regions of Italy, Washington State, New Zealand, and so on, and don’t be afraid to ask the sommelier for recommendations, that is what they are there for! But do be afraid of asking me….

For those of you who don’t know me or my qualifications, here is my resume:

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