3 Speed Riding Lawnmower DUI

You can either handle your liquor or you can’t. Steve here clearly cannot. Steve’s story begins when he is pulled over while driving his riding lawnmower to the store to pick up beer for his lady. He politely pulls his Craftsman over to the side of the road, and powers down the precision machine, a clear gesture of peace as this beast will not take kindly to starting up again. When asked what he is doing riding his lawnmower on the highway wasted, it is clear he is motivated by fear. “My wife said if I don’t get her another beer, she’s gonna stab me in the face.” You got a keeper there Steve.

That is woman that knows how to get what she wants. I mean, she wants a beer, and Steve’s truck is broken, and he’d rather brave the open highway on a riding lawnmower than get a face full of kitchen knife. If I know Steve as well as I think I do, he probably bought those fancy knives on late night TV that can cut through a penny, so his face didn’t stand a chance. On this particular day, Steve made it about two miles before the cold fist of the law came crashing down on him like the hangover and rehab that would soon follow.

Steve’s plans began to unravel when the officer informed him that no store existed in the direction Steve was headed. FAIL. This was “strike one”. “Strike two” was the open can of beer in Steve’s hand while he talked to the officer. “Strike 3” is when Steve throws the can over his shoulder, littering right in front of the cop. “Strike 4” occurs when the officer asks for Steve’s license, and Steve instead decides to whip out his manliness and relieve himself while standing on the lawnmower.

If 4 strikes sounds like one too many, you’re right on, because at this point the officer is no longer amused by Steve, and to prove it he pepper sprays Steve in the face, leaving Steve blind and in confused agony, and us with the question of questions, “Is it illegal to cut grass, while intoxicated?”

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