In a brilliant marketing move, CNN.com displays headlines on behalf of Oprah’s Dr. Oz, and today I saw this headline and I could not ignore, “What men should eat every day”. Ever since becoming BFF’s with Oprah at the Napa Valley Wine Auction, I’ve made it my business to keep up with what Oprah is up to, so this article was a must-read for me.
What should men eat every day? Well, it is a simple combination of these things: Fruits and vegetables, fiber, folate, tomato sauce, nuts, baby aspirin, fish, 8 glasses of fluid, red wine, coffee, milk or orange juice.
Is it just me or is this list really long and confusing? I’ve got the red wine and aspirin down. I think that the only other meals on the planet that include the rest of these items are; the “McRib Value Meal” at McDonald’s (discontinued), Thanksgiving dinner, or eating 5 different kinds of Hot Pockets in the same sitting with milk and red wine (if you hide the baby aspirin inside the Hot Pockets it almost turns it into a game).
In an article linked to this one called “Sex, Drugs, and Rock ‘n’ Roll”, Dr. Oz gives me hope as a human being when he justifies my cutting edge life style.
Sex not only helps lose weight, but it makes you “feel community, love, and empathy”. This is great because increasing my feeling of community, love and empathy are all on my New Year’s resolution list, I just couldn’t figure out the best way to approach them. Thanks Dr. Oz.
Next up, the good Dr. says that dropping 35 pounds will increase men’s penis length by an inch. This has inspired the Mutineer’s new Self-esteem/Penis Enlargement Program in which people sign up, give us lots of money, we help them gain 35 pounds, only to lose it again and watch the little feller grow. We’ve tested this on our prized interns, and are happy to report it works just as we anticipated.
Drugs…the good Dr. Oz means the over the counter kind, which is great because that is the only kind I’m into. B6, Riboflavin, D, Zinc, I got it all covered. Dr. Oz digresses back into fulfilling his sponsorship of aspirin, laying out the infinite health benefits of popping these pills daily.
After this the article gets pretty lame, using VH1’s “Behind the Music” as an example of why rock ‘n’ rollers need to turn their lives around through exercise and removal of loud music.