As Director of Operations here at Mutineer Magazine, you don’t see my name on blogs too often. But if it’s one thing I know, it is energy drinks, and today I most definitely have something to say. I was taking my daily trip to the convenient store to purchase a much needed energy increasing beverage only to find myself in front of the glass refrigerator door staring at an intriguing can. Its name pronounced Juice, but spelled even cooler, “Joose”.
How could this not be the most awesome thing in the world? Energy drink. Alcohol. Sounds perfect. No, wrong. I would go as far as saying this is single handedly the worst beverage I have ever had.
Imagine this; purchasing the cheapest, worst beer you can find at the store. Then picking up a trendy looking energy drink. Open both the cans and pour equal parts into a glass, splash a little bit of vodka in it, just for the burn and to match the 9.9% alcohol content Joose has. To top it off, have your friends come over and spit in the glass. Now take a sip. You’ve just tasted something that resembles the exact concoction that United Brands Company created when they made Joose.
Joose doesn’t stop there. They have built an interactive website with hit tracks from Dave The Butcher singing “Joose It Up!” And Traumatize Immortal ,“turning his levels up” for his hit song, “That Joose”. I am all for selling out to make a quick buck, but really… Joose songs?
Like any great business, United Brands believes in diversity, as evidenced by their non-alcoholic energy drink called, “Diesel”. I just can’t wait to get my hands on this one. “Diesel’s high-energy pack features a combination of caffeine, energizing agents like gaurana and ginseng, and seven amino acids…” They are marketing this thing with phrases like “Fuel For Your Life” and “24 oz. cylinder, packed with mega-dose 9000 horsepower”. Accompanied by another totally awesome website with techno music, skaters, and girls in bikinis. How can I resist?
Folks, do not be fooled by the can. They may look awesome. They may sound awesome, but holy hell, they do not taste awesome.
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Comments 
andrew | Tuesday, May 12, 2009
They are really not that bad after you get to the E on the can. After that, you dont even know what your drinking and after your second one stay far far away from a car.
Mike | Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I agree completely with this review. I nearly vomited after one sip of the stuff. It tastes like Miller Highlife Mixed with Piss and Kool Aid with a hydrogen peroxide mouthfeel and antifreeze nose.
I drank heavily for many, many years. The only thing I’ve ever had that was worse than this was thunderbird. I vomited out a window after a sip of that. The aftertaste had hints of bile an the nose was rubbin alcohol.
Honestly, avoid this stuff. Buy Mad Croc (dollar store Red Bull) and pour in a shot of bottom shelf vodka if you want a cheap energy drink + alcohol combo.
Jeff | Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I’ve avoided Joose ever since my first encounter. Every time I see it at the store it makes me feel a little sick.
JOhn | Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Your article is the result of you stretching your mind to find even the most mundane of causes, and then to write a passionate, “witty” article about how stupid it is. Joose isn’t that bad- at least not any worse than the majority of alcoholic beverages out there. Yeah, it’s crazy- but everyone ALREADY KNOWS THAT, and your article is anything but fresh and “witty.” you should work instead as a telemarketer, or a Joose salesman.
Paulmichael | Friday, March 5, 2010
This may be a late comment, but I gotta defend this drink. I think these are way better than cheap beer. Honestly, I’d take one of these over Corona or Coors or Budweiser – they get you drunk faster than regular beer, and taste good especially once you’ve had a few sips. I like the red version the most, it tastes like soda.