As Director of Operations here at Mutineer Magazine, you don’t see my name on blogs too often. But if it’s one thing I know, it is energy drinks, and today I most definitely have something to say. I was taking my daily trip to the convenient store to purchase a much needed energy increasing beverage only to find myself in front of the glass refrigerator door staring at an intriguing can. Its name pronounced Juice, but spelled even cooler, “Joose”.
How could this not be the most awesome thing in the world? Energy drink. Alcohol. Sounds perfect. No, wrong. I would go as far as saying this is single handedly the worst beverage I have ever had.
Imagine this; purchasing the cheapest, worst beer you can find at the store. Then picking up a trendy looking energy drink. Open both the cans and pour equal parts into a glass, splash a little bit of vodka in it, just for the burn and to match the 9.9% alcohol content Joose has. To top it off, have your friends come over and spit in the glass. Now take a sip. You’ve just tasted something that resembles the exact concoction that United Brands Company created when they made Joose.
Joose doesn’t stop there. They have built an interactive website with hit tracks from Dave The Butcher singing “Joose It Up!” And Traumatize Immortal ,“turning his levels up” for his hit song, “That Joose”. I am all for selling out to make a quick buck, but really… Joose songs?
Like any great business, United Brands believes in diversity, as evidenced by their non-alcoholic energy drink called, “Diesel”. I just can’t wait to get my hands on this one. “Diesel’s high-energy pack features a combination of caffeine, energizing agents like gaurana and ginseng, and seven amino acids…” They are marketing this thing with phrases like “Fuel For Your Life” and “24 oz. cylinder, packed with mega-dose 9000 horsepower”. Accompanied by another totally awesome website with techno music, skaters, and girls in bikinis. How can I resist?
Folks, do not be fooled by the can. They may look awesome. They may sound awesome, but holy hell, they do not taste awesome.