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An Epic Conclusion to Criminal Week on the Mutineer Blog

Beer
09.26.2008

Mutineer Magazine Criminal Week

We have not one, but two epic stories of criminal bravery for you to wrap up the unintended “criminal week” here on the Mutineer Magazine Blog. What’s more is that these stories both occurred this week, which I feel is a testament to the human spirit, in that these burglars didn’t let the crumbling economy hold them back or distract them. These men are professionals, or at least the closest thing to it, because according to reports all of these criminals remain at large. This probably won’t be the case for long, so here is my contribution to their 15 minutes of fame:

#1: Clichés Rule as Ten Men Rob Beer Warehouse in Manila

ABS-CBN news out of Manila reports that ten masked gunmen forcibly entered a beer warehouse last night and made off with 250,000 Philippine Pesos. According to my Currency Converter App on my iPhone, this translates into roughly $5,373 US Dollars, which translates into roughly 12 British Pounds.

How these guys made it away is beyond me. This is what happens when you play too much Rainbow Six on X-box. There was a security guard in the warehouse, but this guy is used to dealing with soccer hooligans, not armed mercenaries, and was promptly hogtied in his epic failure of an attempt to protect the building from criminals.

The robbery was reported when a balut vendor found the hogtied security guard.

Balut

Balut is a nearly-developed duck or chicken fetus that is consumed out of the egg. It is a common food in Southeast Asia. The common way to get your balut fix is through a street vendor at night, and apparently beer is the beverage to drink with your “almost-duckling”.

#2: Dallas Considering to Build a “Walker, Texas Ranger-Signal” to Catch Liquor Store Bandits

I was told that crime doesn’t pay, but for three criminals in Dallas, it pays very well. The Dallas Morning News reports that three men have stolen “thousands of dollars in at least 10 armed robberies of liquor stores throughout northern Dallas this month”, with the most recent robbery occurring this last Tuesday.

Who robs a liquor store in Dallas? Further, who lets their liquor store get robbed in Dallas? I was under the impression that Texas still lived by the law of the gun, but apparently I am mistaken. Maybe the Dallas Police don’t have guns either, and that is why these criminals have enjoyed 10+ successful robberies this month. Maybe it is like the NFL when teams get hot and can’t lose.

Buick

This is one of the cars police are looking for in connection to the robberies. In my opinion, if there was a getaway car hall of fame, this would make it in for sure. This precision machine has the power of a semi truck, the reliability of a Luger, and the class of a Buick. My gut instinct tells me that while the economy has been disintegrating, the price of ’93 Buick’s has held steady, though I haven’t done any research to support this.



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