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The 5 Stages of Drunk

Other Beverage

Even though intoxication may seem magical, it is actually a scientific process that is the result of your body processing the alcohol in your tasty beverage. The way your drunkenness is measured is called Blood Alcohol Content (BAC). This is a percentage of alcohol in your bloodstream, and it ranges from 0.0% to 0.4%. At 0.0%, you are a Mormon on Sunday. At 0.4%, you are probably clinically dead or hanging out at Mutineer HQ. Here is what you can expect in between:

IMPORTANT NOTE: I highly suggest you do as the Mutineers do: If you’re going to drink, don’t drive. Sounds simple, but people manage to screw this up on a nightly basis. It simply isn’t worth the consequences. Have fun, and if you’re going to be an idiot, make sure you aren’t an idiot behind the wheel of a moving car. Also, the drink examples here are exactly that, examples. Every person is different and should be aware of their own tolerances.

Business Lunch – 0% to .05%: This is what common folk call being “buzzed.” You’ll feel happy, chatty, and maybe a little flirty. For a 180 lb. male, this is about two drinks in a one-hour period.

Drinks at a Bar – .05% to .1%: You’ve gone from chatty to horny, and your reflexes are on par with most professional athletes in the Pacific Northwest (i.e. pretty bad). You have now put yourself in a position to get a DUI if you are dumb enough to get behind the wheel of a car, and you have also put yourself in a position to be a rockin’ party animal if you play it cool. For a 180 lb. male, this is about four drinks in one to two hours.

House Party Gone Terribly Right – .1% to .2%: You are now getting wasted. You are slurring your speech, either getting laid or looking for a fight, and have probably ruined at least one article of clothing. If you decide to drive, getting a DUI would be your best-case scenario, which is a clue that operating heavy machinery is a terrible idea. For a 180 lb. male, this is about six drinks in two hours.

House Party Gone Terribly Wrong – .2% to .3%: You have entered a drunken stupor. This is when you become the drunk asshole at the party, will probably blackout, and hope for the best the following morning. For anyone, this is a lot of drinks.

House Party Turned Trip to the ER – .3% and up: This is dangerous turf, death is a definite possibility, as is soiling yourself. To get here, down a double shot of liquor every time Katie Holmes gives a shitty performance in Batman Begins (every time she opens her mouth).


  1. brian | Wednesday, July 9, 2008

    LOL. I have officially visited every stage.

  2. Michael | Wednesday, September 3, 2008

    um …. is a .294 bad? That’s basically .3% :P

  3. New Year Count Down: 10, 9, 8 | Mutineer Magazine | Wednesday, December 31, 2008

    […] Post Title: The 5 Stages of Drunk Author: Alan K. Date: July 9th, 2008 Why I Chose This: Alan Kropf breaks down the different stages […]

  4. James | Saturday, February 28, 2009

    I got arrested last night, 0.42 :)
    the cop was suprised i could still walk and talk, the ambulance officers that the cop rang were suprised i wasnt dead haha
    i mean, im 18 :)

  5. Jesus | Thursday, January 14, 2010

    Ahcohol arrest at 18 isn’t something to brag about or be proud of, jackass. Neither is a high BAC. Grow up.

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