The 5 Stages of Drunk

Even though intoxication may seem magical, it is actually a scientific process that is the result of your body processing the alcohol in your tasty beverage. The way your drunkenness is measured is called Blood Alcohol Content (BAC). This is a percentage of alcohol in your bloodstream, and it ranges from 0.0% to 0.4%. At 0.0%, you are a Mormon on Sunday. At 0.4%, you are probably clinically dead or hanging out at Mutineer HQ. Here is what you can expect in between:

IMPORTANT NOTE: I highly suggest you do as the Mutineers do: If you’re going to drink, don’t drive. Sounds simple, but people manage to screw this up on a nightly basis. It simply isn’t worth the consequences. Have fun, and if you’re going to be an idiot, make sure you aren’t an idiot behind the wheel of a moving car. Also, the drink examples here are exactly that, examples. Every person is different and should be aware of their own tolerances.

Business Lunch – 0% to .05%: This is what common folk call being “buzzed.” You’ll feel happy, chatty, and maybe a little flirty. For a 180 lb. male, this is about two drinks in a one-hour period.

Drinks at a Bar – .05% to .1%: You’ve gone from chatty to horny, and your reflexes are on par with most professional athletes in the Pacific Northwest (i.e. pretty bad). You have now put yourself in a position to get a DUI if you are dumb enough to get behind the wheel of a car, and you have also put yourself in a position to be a rockin’ party animal if you play it cool. For a 180 lb. male, this is about four drinks in one to two hours.

House Party Gone Terribly Right – .1% to .2%: You are now getting wasted. You are slurring your speech, either getting laid or looking for a fight, and have probably ruined at least one article of clothing. If you decide to drive, getting a DUI would be your best-case scenario, which is a clue that operating heavy machinery is a terrible idea. For a 180 lb. male, this is about six drinks in two hours.

House Party Gone Terribly Wrong – .2% to .3%: You have entered a drunken stupor. This is when you become the drunk asshole at the party, will probably blackout, and hope for the best the following morning. For anyone, this is a lot of drinks.

House Party Turned Trip to the ER – .3% and up: This is dangerous turf, death is a definite possibility, as is soiling yourself. To get here, down a double shot of liquor every time Katie Holmes gives a shitty performance in Batman Begins (every time she opens her mouth).

Related Posts

1. Sherry Stages Secret Comeback
   They’re among us, out in the open, in wine shops, grocery stores and in restaurants, you just don’t know it. They look just like you...
2. Presidential Homebrew
   POTUS Obama is into beer and I am into that. We first saw this with the Beer Summit in 2009 and we’re seeing this again...
3. Video Invite to Mutineer Third Annual Red Carpet Party – Event Tomorrow!
   WHAT: Invite Only* Third Annual Mutineer Magazine Red Carpet Party // The King’s Ginger Holiday Cocktail Competition WHERE: Napa Valley Opera House – 1030 Main...
4. Cascade Brewing Barrel House Opens Today!
   The moment that many beer lovers in the Pacific Northwest have been waiting for is finally here. Drum roll please … The Cascade Brewing Barrel...
5. It’s a Tequila Party!
   The Tequila Party – your shot for change. Whoa. That has a nice ring to it. Wait, another political movement named after a beverage? Yup!...